Here are a couple of things I've learned from, & seen in my friends and family. Dating is hard but it shouldn't be grueling or emotionally/physically painful. Some Examples are extreme but they are very real. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship tell someone safe & start making an exit plan. If you find yourself with someone like the people I am describing in the examples don't think that you are less then. What I've learned from dating these men is that they were projecting their insecurities on me but I wasn't mature enough to know this. Bottom line is that you can do better & you deserve better. If you find yourself with one of the people below I want you to practice this:
Think of the most beloved person in your life and imagine them in your position, would you tell them to stay? Be honest. No you would tell them to LEAVE.
*One of my life goals is to some day have a women's shelter. One that will be a safe haven for the women and children who are in abusive homes. I witnessed lots of abuse in my childhood, I always knew it was wrong but for some reason when I grew up I allowed it to happen in my life. Though my abuse wasn't physical, it was emotional, it still lingers. I work on it everyday!*
1) He/She tries to make you do inappropriate things
inappropriate text messages
2) He doesn't keep his word
Sure once or twice he has to cancel a date is fine. But if he's constantly inconsistent then this is a problem & it shows that you are in no way a priority. It could also mean that he has another life/full on family as in "Married". This happened to a friend of mine. She dated him for months. He was always free during the day but never in the evening or on weekends. She found out later that he was married with a kid. It was heartbreaking for her. It's not her fault because she didn't know. After the relationship she said that he was always changing meet up times and realizes that him being married made so much sense after the fact.
3) They try to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones
Jealousy. I had a cousin who was dating someone who got jealous when she answered her phone. He said, "Why do you answer your phone when you're with me? I don't do that to you". RED Flag. Someone dear to me had a boyfriend who convinced her that her family didn't care about her and how she should talk to them less. Years later she found herself with no friends and an abusive boyfriend.
4) He/She describes all their exes as "crazy."
This always strikes me as weird. Why would anyone say this? I always wonder when someone says this. Do they mean that the other person was actually crazy? or did he make her "Crazy" by lying and cheating. In the beginning of a relationship its easy to believe that your sweetheart really DID date crazy girls...But soon you'll realize that they weren't crazy & that he is the unstable one.
5) He/She is incapable of apologizing.
They're never wrong. Red Flag. I have a friend who dated a guy who always brought out her faults. When he made one she would kindly point it out and he would gaslight her and say that he did nothing wrong and that there is no problem. Fact is no one is perfect & if you're wrong you should say sorry and try to make a change.
6) They Use Guilt to make you do something
It might sound something like this,
"If you love me you will do ____".
"If you were more open minded you would do ______"
I have a young friend who dated someone older and he pushed her to do things she didn't want to do but felt forced. He didn't listen to her , "No". He told her that he needed her to do it because their relationship was long distance. Basically some weird guilt trip to get his way and not respecting her boundaries.
7) He's Not considerate of your feelings
A man that loves you will have the natural instinct to protect you and make sure you are comfortable. My cousin dated a man who was deeply inconsiderate. He had invited her over and asked her what her favorite drink was and he ended up buying the exact opposite (a drink he knew she did NOT like). This type of behavior continued in the relationship & they eventually ended it. It always starts small.
8) Ho doesn't respect your boundaries
No ALWAYS MEANS NO!
9) He has an unrealistic Idea of how a woman should look & Be
10) He's comparing you to other women
in other words, You're never good enough.
11) He is physically aggressive
This can appear in many ways
like a firm grab, biting, small pushes, threats. I know someone who was dating someone who aggressively threw coffee creamer at her and it hurt. It then led to pulling hair when he was upset and then full on hits. It can only happen when he's drinking, these are all red flags. This always ends bad. Leave Leave Leave.
lies are lies are lies.
Unedited. Feel Free to leave your comments on other red flags that I didn't mention.